Today I found myself getting upset at my oldest daughter over the smallest things while shopping in Target. She wanted to take some extra time to peruse the shiny, beaded headbands, but I rushed her along. She asked to look in the dollar section and I only let her quickly scan the aisles. I kept thinking how much I needed to hurry. I needed to get what I needed and get outta there. But why?
Every skip, giggle and distraction was making my temper run hotter and hotter until I had finally had enough. I yelled. I told her she was going to spend time in her room because she hadn’t listened to me the countless times I asked her to hurry along.
As soon as we got in the car I started to realize my behavior. I have only been going through the motions the last two days, barely hanging on. I am just a fragile eggshell of the mother and wife I want to be, right now.
The depression always returns during this time, despite my countless efforts to distract myself.
But my kid deserves to be able to be a kid. She should be able to look at shiny headbands -I know my mom let me do stuff like that. She never rushed me along the way I do with Reagan. Getting to look at the toys and treats is part of what makes shopping fun for kids.
What am I rushing for all the time? Why do I hurry myself through life? I try to remind myself to live in the present, but I’ve been failing MISERABLY at that lately. I keep thinking about the past; dwelling on my own sadness rather than focusing on my daughters’ current happiness and that’s not what I want at all.
I looked at my sweet Reagan in the rear-view, her eyes saddened because of my behavior, and knew at once it was I who needed a timeout, not her.
“I’m so sorry for rushing you Reagan and for being snippy. Mommy is really sad right now because I miss my mommy very much. But that’s no excuse, so again, I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, Mommy. I understand. And I’m sorry you’re mommy is in Heaven.” R eagan looked up at me and her eyes met mine in the mirror.
“I love you, Reagan.” I said and I could see her smile return.
Once we got home, I opened the van door on her side and gave her the biggest hug. She put her little hands on my face and said “We should swing today, mommy. That will take your mind off being sad.”
“That’s a great idea,” I whispered before kissing her cheek. I smiled at her and wiped the tears from my eyes.