I really miss you.
It’s that time of year again when sadness and loneliness begin to consume me, despite all my efforts to not let it happen. As childish and silly as it may sound, despite being a full-grown thirty-four-year-old woman, I still want to stomp my feet and whale out, “it’s not fair!” when I think about your death. But I don’t… Instead I bottle up, get stressed and start taking it out on my family. I know you’d shake your pointer finger at me and glare at me over the top of your glasses if you saw how awfully stressed I was this morning. I definitely wasn’t being the best version of myself.
Justin was the one that actually pointed it out, helping me see what I was doing. So, now that I see what’s going on I know I need to get it on paper. It’s what makes me feel better. It’s what organizes my thoughts so that I can heal. It’s my therapy.
So let’s start with Reagan.
You would be so proud of her. That kid is smart and sassy and probably a lot like I was at her age. Yet despite being like me, she is still so much like Justin, too. She is destined for amazing things. I only wish you were here to see her in person. I’m sure your heart would swell with pride.
And now Reagan is old enough to understand who you are and how much she meant to you, too. We talk about you every day. I tell her how you live in heaven now, but how you still love her and watch over her, protecting her like a guardian angel. She still reads that book you gave her (the one where you recorded your voice reading it).
But still, I can’t wrap my head around the fact that she hasn’t been hugged by her own grandma in four years. It pains me deeply.
Then there is Ashlyn…If there was ever a kid with undeniable tenacity and perseverance, it is that child. She will conquer the world one day, I just know it. And my goodness, does she look like you. She has your smile and your hair and something else I can’t quite put my finger on…but I’m guessing it’s your beautiful spirit.
And that beautiful spirit is in to EVERYTHING. Sometimes I feel like I can’t catch my breath with her, but then I remember your best advice ever: to just remember to love her. To slow down, not take life so seriously and to just let Ashlyn be who Ashlyn is.
Then there are the dogs. My dear God, how did you ever have more than one?! Sven and Roxy conspire against us daily. They run wild through the woods, track in dirt and mud, dig in the garbage, chew up things that are not their toys (actually this one is just Sven, because Roxy has no teeth left), and generally make me feel like a crazy person for ever wanting a second beastly animal. But we love them and could never, ever picture life without either of them.
Lastly, there is me and Justin. You never have to worry about the two of us, because we are the one constant. Justin keeps me grounded and I keep him moving – it’s always been that way and always will. He is the yin to my yang, or however that saying goes…And speaking of moving, I really wish you could see our house. You’d love the land and the peacefulness – our neighbor has cows! Who seriously would have ever thought that I would live by someone with actual real live cows? Not me! However, I could really use your gardening expertise, because I’m in the weeds (literally!)
Well now that I’m feeling better, I guess I’ll wrap this up. I love you, Mom. And not a day goes by that I don’t think of you.
Wish you were here,