How to Potty Train Your Child

Before beginning the potty training process, buy twenty-four pairs – three packages because two won’t be enough – of undies with ponies or superheroes on them. While you’re out, also stock up on bleach wipes. After shopping, clear your schedule for a minimum of three days. Roll up any nice rugs and put them in the garage or basement. Make chart and draw a smiling, rainbow-colored potty. Write your child’s name at the top. Have her help, even if that means a scribble here and there over your amazing artwork.

When the board is complete, tell her, “Each time you put something in the potty, you get a sticker!” Clap your hands together excitedly. Don’t get surprised when she stares back, unamused. Plaster a smile on your face.

On the first day, keep your shit together when she pees on your favorite chair and poos behind your curtains. Gently remind her where she is supposed to do her business.

Even with all your positive persistence, twenty-four pairs of underwear might not be enough on that first day. If that happens, hand-wash those cute tooshy-covers and hang them to dry in the shower. Leave the rest of the laundry for another day.

Set a timer on day two. Every twenty-five minutes have her try to go. She will scream. She will protest. It’s okay. Day two is the day of most resistance. Just keep following her around the house like a shadow. Consistency is key.

When she gets even the most minuscule dribble in the potty, praise her. Throw her a miniature potty party. Most of all, give that child a sticker. See the joy fill her face when she places it on her board with intention. She will see her accomplishment.

On the third or fourth or maybe the fifth day, she will go on her own. She will keep her pony undies dry and make it to the potty in time. She might not even tell you. Instead, she’ll drop her Play-Doh and make a run for it.

When that happens, you’ve succeeded.

Photo courtesy of Pexels.

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14 thoughts on “How to Potty Train Your Child

  1. This was a good tutorial essay with clear instructions that both demonstrated and imparted what you’ve learned about potty training. I especially liked the image of you as a potty training dementor shadowing your little one on day 2!

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  2. Wow…this potty training thing sounds like quite the test of patience! I really love all the little details at the start of the essay. They really drew me in.

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  3. It warms the cockles of my cold, black heart when people try out new forms I’ve suggested. (I always use potty training as an example of why I’d be a terrible mother, but the dachshund only poops in the kitchen when he’s mad… and I did the same thing to my mom… so who knows) That said – it was weird reading “poos” and “shit” in the same paragraph. I think it was reflexively using the instructional words you used with the kiddo, but overlapping that adult “confidential” voice between narrator and reader it was a little jarring!

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  4. We been blaming the poor aimed high arcs upon his sisters Yorkie. But the Dogs figuring it out fast and baring its teeth before we can grab it up and toss it into the bathroom and close the door.

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  5. This Potty training is not going well… Maybe I should just cut him loose and let him run natural out in the back yard for a few weeks, run the wildness out of him and then bring him back in for another try and civilization. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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