A Letter to the Tooth Fairy

Dear Tooth Fairy,

This letter is two years and eight teeth overdue. Let’s be honest. I don’t like you very much. You sneak into my child’s room in the middle of the night, climb into her bed and take her teeth. What is wrong with you? I mean, at least Santa leaves gifts wrapped in shiny paper, and the Easter Bunny gives sweet-smelling chocolate. But you and all your tooth-hoarding? Creep-y.

I know, I know. I drank too much wine last night and forgot to contact you regarding the swap. Instead, I brushed my teeth, put in my mouth guard and fell asleep watching The History Channel. Honest mistake and not the last time it’ll happen. But then before six this morning, Reagan stomped into my room to tell me the Tooth Fairy had forgotten her…again. I messed up, and how did I cover up the Tooth Fairy mess-up? With a big ol’ lie. I fed her some rubbish excuse that she didn’t get to bed in time, and The Tooth Fairy ain’t got time for that.

And I hate all your crazy-ass rules. According to you, we must hide the tiny tooth in a microscopic box and put it under our child’s sleeping head. Then you come in there in the middle of the night when you’ve most likely had a bourbon or two. I worry about you tripping on something or poking my daughter in the eye whilst making the switch. Too many things can go wrong. Lightning could crash at the exact moment you take her tooth, illuminating your hunched figure and tattered wings near her bed. Her alarm clock could become possessed and beep manically, waking her in time to catch you sliding a wad of cash beneath her head.

Your rules set us up for failure. Ridiculous. Why can’t we just have our kid toss her tooth in a zip-top bag and tape it to the front of her bedroom door? Then there’s no chance of waking her up when you swap out the tooth for some cash. Bada boom, bada bing. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

And while we’re on the subject of money, who is supposed to determine the cost of a tooth? I’ve heard anywhere from $1.00 – $10.00 is the going rate. You know kids talk, right? When I was little, we all got fifty cents. Inflation may be a mother, but you tooth fairies need to get your collective stuff together. Kids are going to start wondering why they got more than their neighbor in school. We should go low. It’s a tooth, for God’s sake. If they want money, make them do manual labor. Losing a tooth is zero work.

My kid likes to hang on to hers until it literally flies out while she’s whistling. She won’t let anyone yank it or tie a string around it. Why is that deserving of a crisp bill?

In closing, I’m tired. So tired, so I’m throwing in the tooth treasure box on this relationship. I mean it. We’re tossing the teeth in the trash and forgetting you ever existed.

Not so sincerely,

Angry (and Slightly Hungover) Mom of Two

Categories nonfictionTags , , , , , ,

12 thoughts on “A Letter to the Tooth Fairy

  1. Jennifer Allen Mierisch February 28, 2019 — 3:46 am

    Ha! Love this. A mom I know gave her kid a $20 bill because she didn’t have change. I get it, but man, that is setting the bar way too high!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. $20?! That’s just insane. I think we gave my daughter $5 for the first tooth. After that it slowly widdled down to a dollar, until this time that I wrote about. After three days of forgetting to take the tooth, I finally told her I was the tooth fairy.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Ha! This is a hoot. Parents everywhere know your pain.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is hilarious. I always thought that the Tooth Fairy was creepy as all get out. I mean what does she do with all those teeth? **shiver**

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know, right?! Better to wash my hands of her now, but I’ll hang on to that big ass bunny with fun-colored eggs a while longer!

      Liked by 2 people

  4. I’m happy my tooth fairy days are over 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Ha! So funny, and definitely relatable. I was thrilled when I found cute little pillows with a tiny pocket to hang on their doorknob. Like you, I always worried about waking them up, and being caught in the act.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oooh! Where does one get a pillow like that? I’ll need one in a couple years for my youngest. =)


  6. Haha. When i mess up…i just tell them the didn’t look hard enough (after I have placed the booty in a hard to find crook in the bed.) 😉


  7. Haha. When i mess up…i just tell them the didn’t look hard enough (after I have placed the booty in a hard to find crook in the bed.) 😉 It works because really…I say that phrase practically every.single.day. LOL


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