Cancer.
Everything about that word makes the bile in my belly rise and the hair follicles on my arms pucker in fear.
Cancer.
Saying or even thinking the word gives me shivers. The difference between the hard and soft ‘c’ sounds make the word sound like a scaly boa constrictor slithering its way around my chest. I’m suffocating from it.
No drinks with sucralose or aspartame.No furniture made with formaldehyde.No more chicken nuggets or hot dogs.Only eat organic fruits and vegetables.No household cleaners.No alcohol.No smoking.No microwaved popcorn.No artificial dyes.Stay out of the sun.Stay away from pollution.
The list of carcinogens, or cancer causing materials, is endless, and if I let myself think about everything I would need to avoid to avoid cancer, I probably wouldn’t ever leave my house.
Complications from cancer have killed strangers, acquaintances, friends, friends of friends, parents of friends, grandparents of friends, and family.
My grandma.
My mom.
My aunt.
It’s everywhere, tightening its grip on my lungs each time I exhale.
Since my mom passed away, I’ve had constant irrational fears that death by cancer will be my unfortunate, inevitable demise. I believe that I will end up just like her: in hospice on a morphine drip for my last days of life. I’m sure that the disease is already lying dormant in some unsuspecting corner of my body – ready to strike and steal everything I love away when I least expect it.
It’s not death that has had me looking over my shoulder in fear. I think the older we get, the more we come to understand that death, like birth, is a part of the cycle. We all must endure it at some point. But the pain, surgeries, chemotherapy, and radiation that come with cancer – sometimes lasting for years – have given me the kind of nightmares where I scream myself awake. Nightmares that leave me in sweats with labored breath and a heart pounding through my chest.
And the drugs given to help cancer make me cringe, too. They wreak havoc on your insides, making your organs burn like they are on fire, and cease to function properly. Chemotherapy and radiation can kill your healthy, happy cells along with the sick ones and slowly take you from the life you love.
What happens if It catches up to me? Am I next? Am I strong enough to endure whatever torturous medicines I’m prescribed? Who would protect and provide for my girls and my husband if I were to get sick? Am I destined to die from the disease that keeps stealing the women in my family?
I now realize that these are questions I can’t answer.
The older I get, the more lives I’ve had to watch slip between the cracks of my fragile fingers from this disease. But I’ve decided not to coil away from that monster anymore. Instead, I’m going to look it in the eye, with my fists clenched so hard my fingernails bury themselves deep into the fatty part of my palms, and I’ll acknowledge the possibility of cancer, just like the possibility of no cancer. I’ll let the fear slide off my back instead of continuing to encircle me.
I can’t let cancer control my thoughts anymore.
It’s time to breathe.
Photo courtesy of Pexels
Danielle Dayney 
Oh wow. I also did a post on cancer today, so I get where you are coming from. My mom died from liver cancer, and I can relate to your every word. Lets let go of the fear, and live the life we have.
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Total sympathy. But good to hear that you have realised about death being a normal part of life. I am 82 and so for me it has to be …anytime! And oddly enough life is great and I am possibly happier than ever!
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Thank you for your words.. Cancer has taken family and friends; and the fear it causes can be so cruel and encompassing. I respect your outlook and applaud your strength.
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Thank you!
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Be kind to yourself during this time; I have also just started this journey and will keep you in my prayers here in KY. I had no idea how hard this could be on the emotional psyche. Love sent to u and hope u will find peace and rest in the support of others
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Thank you!
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Don’t forget to breath and do it deeply! I cheer to your stance to remain strong and your each day as it comes! Via la Danielle!
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Thank you 🙂
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Hugs to you, Danielle! If words could kill cancer, this piece would have done it. I love how you’ve compared the c sounds to a snake. Fantastic writing!
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Thanks you, Hema!
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Your anxiety became my anxiety during this piece. You did a fantastic job of showing that. You must be a strong person indeed to endure and come out swinging after this. Your mom and aunt and grandma would be proud of you today. Xoxox
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Thanks, Melony! Xox
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We have no way of knowing what’s ahead. Last year I was diagnosed with a rare and very easily treated cancer, and upon hearing the diagnosis I said “That’s not possible, I’m supposed to die of a heart attack” the way almost all of my relatives have. My heart is fine (at least for now).
You expressed your fears well and brought me into your experience which is why I read. Thanks
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Is your cancer in remission? Thank you for commenting, Nancy 🙂
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It was ‘cured’ by removal, and no other TX was needed, I was very lucky (as cancer goes).
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My mom was diagnosed with terminal stage cancer. I did a post on cancer too. Reading other people’s stories helps a lot
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Thanks, Ella! And I’m sorry for your loss. I find that writing and reading about cancer is often the only thing that helps.
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I thought you put your fears across really well here D. I felt as if I was with you through the moments you talk about too. I hope by writing this it does help you to move away from the fear.
One teeny, tiny, nitpick – I found the ‘CANCER!’ insert in the piece, around the halfway mark, a little distracting. I’m not sure if you needed it.
Other than that – this was a beautifully constructed essay which gave me the feels.
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Thank you, DL 🙂
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That paragraph where you don’t put spaces after the periods… It works. Like, it really does feel like that to have all those restrictions. I would never think to do that. It could be because I’m pretty … grammar clenched. Yes, let’s call it that. Almost every woman in my family has had breast cancer. It is hard to enjoy these glorious tatas without also thinking about the future. MEN HAVE NO IDEA DO THEY?
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They don’t. At ALL. Thanks for reading 🙂
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Thank you for sharing your thoughts on cancer and how it has affected you. As a 20 year old, I have been recently diagnosed with cancer and am undergoing treatment. As I read your post, it struck home for me. To stand up to the beast and to not let it run my whole life.
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I’m so happy it helped you! Best of luck to you in your treatment. Stay strong.
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I pray that you keep enduring as you have been.
It’s comforting to know that as promised health issues especially cancer won’t exist anymore:
Isaiah 33:24 And no resident will say: “I am sick.”
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Nicely expressed thoughts! Must get back to updates on beingdense.com…..I have been so busy with treatment and recovery that an update is well overdue!
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Some encouraging words that means a great deal to me in everything I face: What you focus on will overwhelm you. Well done for choosing not to focus on it! Your mind is stronger than you think!
Be the one in your family that breaks the cycle.
God bless you with great health!
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Thank you, Melinda!
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So well written. Felt for a while…ohh my God!!Salute to you the way you gave life to the lines where every line goes deeper to show up the pain of a cancer patient. God bless you and prayers that he keeps you away from it.
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You are amazing!!!!!
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That was an amazing post. I just opened a blog up yesterday so I can use it as my journey journal with my own newly diagnosed cancer. Stomach cancer. I have my first appointment with my Oncologist on the 23rd of this month. I am scared to death already! My blog is cancerjournal.blog I will follow your posts now. Sandy
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Good luck to you, Sandra. Stay brave 🙂
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🙂
Thank you so much!
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Life is hard. We know it. Still, we have to fight with our problems and keep moving forward in life, as we have to utilise our true potential and enjoy every moment of life till we are alive. Otherwise, our existence becomes futile. Never get discouraged. You are not alone. We are there to support you in your struggle.
If you feel, you can visit my blog:
https://cheerfulbeings.wordpress.com
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keep strong
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