I quickly and quietly shut the door, sit on the porcelain seat, and gather my wad of white paper. I exhale loudly and shrug my shoulders, trying to relax because a moment of silence is worth more than gold in my house.
But instead of relaxing and doing what I came here to do, I get distracted and start noticing the layers of clumpy blue and pink toothpaste mixed with stray hairs in the sink. Gross. When was the last time I cleaned in here?
“Mommy!” my six-year-old shouts from the other side of the door, jostling me from my thoughts. “Sven poopied in the house again.” Of course he did. He ate whole wheat rotini and alfredo right from the garbage earlier.
Sven is my seventy-five pound gluten-intolerant dog who frequently digs through the garbage for leftovers of any kind. If he even looks at pasta the wrong way, well…poopy happens.
She dramatically bursts through the door. “Can you clean it up? It smells yucky.” She grabs her nose and sticks out her tongue in disgust. I can’t help but laugh at her cuteness.
“Where’s Dad? I’m kind of busy.” AKA trying to pee in peace.
“Momma!” my toddler stumbles in behind her like a drunk pirate with one peg leg. Maybe it’s the missing shoe? “Momma, ode me!” She reaches her pudgy hands up, opening and closing her tiny fists over and over. “Ode me, peese.” I can’t resist pulling her short frame into my lap.
“What happened to your other shoe?” I ask as she burrows her head into my neck.
“She put it in the trashcan!” My oldest laughs. I know if I had a mere thirty seconds, this would all be over. I could go back to mothering with my yoga pants securely in place.
“You guys, seriously,” I say, leaning over to shut the door. “I really need to pee.” My oldest starts rummaging wildly for something under the sink.
“What are you looking for under there?” I ask her.
“Air freshener. For the poopy smell.” She pulls out some apple cinnamon spray and smiles victoriously.
My husband knocks only once before swinging the door wide open. Sven and Roxy (the other dog) are both with him. Now the whole damn family is hanging out in the first-floor half-bath.
“I gotta go, babe. I’m running late for work.” He leans over to kiss me and the girls.
“Do you realize the whole family is in the bathroom right now?” I ask him. He turns to observe and slowly nods his head yes.
“That’s life with kids, Danielle.”
“Okay,” I say. I finally accept the fact that we’re having a full blown family meeting in the bathroom. “But what about Sven’s poop?”
“Taken care of,” he responds, dragging both dogs out of the bathroom. “Come on guys. Let Mommy go potty.”
“Love you babe,” I say, returning my youngest to the floor in front of me.
“Love you, too.” he says, shutting the door. Finally I can pee. The door opens and my husband reappears. “One more thing,” he says. “I found a shoe in the trashcan.”
“Choo!” my youngest shouts. “Choo on!”
***
Not a day goes by that I don’t wish I could have two minutes of silence to go to the bathroom without being bothered, or to sit and simply collect my thoughts ALONE. Who doesn’t want that? But I also accept the fact that it won’t happen. At least for a long, long, long time. And I’m okay with that. There are too many active gears turning in our family machine and if I lock the door there’s always the chance that the house will burn to the ground with me on the loo. Plus, it’s nice knowing that I’m needed so incredibly much that I can barely walk out of the room without shit hitting something. And it’s also nice to know I can count on my husband for the dirty work (literally).
So for now I’ll just continue going with an open door policy, looking forward to the day I will finally be able to pee in peace, but knowing that even without my two minutes of silence, things are still pretty great.
Photo Courtesy of David Cohen
Danielle Dayney 
I remember those days! Now I have three wet noses deft enough to push open the door that won’t latch. They recognized a trapped person forced to pet them. Life is pretty good, right?
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Loved that, I was there once a long time ago. When I had all these spectators I would say to my husband, “why don’t you invite the neighbours to come and watch too”. Now that the kids are grown up I have 3 cats, and as soon as they know what my intentions are they’re all rubbing around my legs and trying to get on my lap for a love. Looks like we were never meant to pee in peace.
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That’s too funny. I wonder if when the kids are grown if I’ll get empty bathroom syndrome? Doubtful!
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Hehehe I just love this! It’s so true. Even without kids I seem to always have an audience in the bathroom. Dogs, cats, husbands – you name it. Super funny and relatable. Love the changes you made too! Xxx
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Absolutely loved this. Such a sweet sneak peek into your day 🙂
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So wonderfully written, and so clearly like a looking glass! Mine own little ones are 6 & 3. The interesting thing that I am finding at this stage is that although I do not get to “pee in peace” both the 6 & 3 year request privacy when they are using the washroom. Yes even my 3 year old! Anyway, I loved “Could I Please Pee in Peace? As a Mom, it’s Not Likely.” Thank you for sharing.
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Thank you for commenting! Yes, life is good.
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Open bathroom door policy has somehow worked with me, because then they know what I’m doing and stay clear. The power of visual 😀
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LOL!
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Firstly, I love that you have a dog named Sven! Also, I could see so much of this and it was a really sweet snapshot of what it’s like to be a mom of two kids, and two furry, poopy messes. ❤
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Reagan got the name from Frozen!
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OH YEAH. (My son is the only kid on the planet who HATED THAT movie, so unlike most people, I’ve only seen it once.)
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I wish I could say that.
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We had a cat that would crawl into my husband’s pants when he was in the bathroom. Hoping he never reads that I just made that fact public. I enjoyed the conversational, spare writing here — you did a great job conveying the happy family chaos through dialogue alone.
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It comes all too soon. In the meantime, that was quite a picture of your whole family in the bathroom. Haha.
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My dog loved to follow me in the bathroom; “how can i stay without you, mommy?” he would ask with his eyes! I can very well imagine what a scene it must be at your place, with two babies, and two fur-babies, in there, giving you some company as you go about with your ‘chores’! hehe..Lovely post, Danielle! 🙂
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Thank you, Shilpa!
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So well-written! Your wrap-up at the end really adds to the scene before it. When I lived in a studio, my cat would almost always come to the bathroom with me and expect my full attention, but that’s nothing compared to your situation! I hope you get some you-time someday 🙂
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Thanks for reading! Glad you liked it.
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